I've done all the dumb things!

When I was driving to work this morning, this song came onto Triple M (Rock on!) and man it just felt so appropriate for how I'm feeling at the moment!

Dumb Things - Paul Kelly

Welcome, strangers, to the show
I'm the one who should be lying low
Saw the knives out, turned my back
Heard the train coming, stayed out on the track
In the middle, in the middle, in the middle of a dream
I lost my shirt, I pawned my rings
I've done all the dumb things
Caught the fever, heard the tune
Thought I loved her, hung my heart on the moon
Started howling, made no sense
Thought my friends would rush to my defence
In the middle, in the middle, in the middle of a dream
I lost my shirt, I pawned my rings
I've done all the dumb things
And I get all your good advice
It doesn't stop me from going through these things twice
I see the knives out, I turn my back
I hear the train coming, I stay right on that track
In the middle, in the middle, in the middle of a dream
I lost my shirt, I pawned my rings
I've done all the dumb things
I melted wax to fix my wings
I've done all the dumb things
I threw my hat into the ring
I've done all the dumb things
I thought that I just had to sing
I've done all the dumb things


Oh boy. Sums everything up pretty nicely right about now!

Great song too :)

Seriously though, I've done a lot of dumb shit in my life.
They've all been lessons to learn from and I'll never regret that, but this particular line -
"And I get all your good advice
It doesn't stop me from going through these things twice"
Haha well!
Ain't that the truth!
History repeats itself my friends and it takes US to change that.

"In the middle, in the middle, in the middle of a dream"
It does feel like a dream sometimes doesn't it?
When are we going to wake up? <- I'd say that's another song and another post!

But THIS line
"I melted wax to fix my wings"
Yes, yes I have. Numerous times!
Better not fly too close to the sun, it'll all melt away.

All in all, a very fitting song for the mood and mindset I'm in right now.

Plus, I can't get it out of my head.

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine!

I've sat here and changed the title of this blog a few times now, trying to find something that sums how I feel right now.

So I dedicate this post to the disappointment I felt when the world didn't end last year.

21st December 2012.

The Mayans predicted that would be the end of the world.
Or did they?
It was certainly an end to an era. We are now in the Age of Aquarius (Come on now, we're all singing the song in our end aren't we, when we read that!).
This would certainly signify a change to the World as we know it.
Does anybody feel different? I know that mentalities are shifting. People are starting to question more, people around me are re-evaluating their lives and choices and the decisions they make. These are all good things.
I still hoped for the World to actually end though.
If we all went out together, it wouldn't be such a bad thing!
Maybe it did and this is Hell.
It sometimes certainly feels that way but if that's the case, I guess I wasn't as bad as I thought I was.
Cheers to that!

Make a list and check it twice!

The other day my lovely soul sister Eva over at she loves infinitely told me about a website she found, where you make lists of things you want to do and use it to track your progress and check it off as you complete them.
This has appealed to my OCD in a big way so I jumped on the bandwagon and made my own!
Check it out, it's fun in a lame kind of way and I can't wait to start playing. It's nice to have things to aim towards!

101 Things in 1001 Days

Jan 06, 2013 - Oct 04, 2015

1. participate in a 'photo a day' challenge
2. Dye my hair
3. spend one day technology-free
4. go on a girls' trip
5. have a 'day spa' day
6. eat at 5 new restaurants
7. cook 1 new recipe from scratch
8. Watch the sunrise on the beach
9. Have a movie/tv show marathon, non-stop
10. Write a list of '101 things I've done this lifetime'
11. Go whale watching
12. Go to the zoo
13. write a list of '101 things that make me happy'
14. try at least 5 DIY ideas from Pinterest
15. Make a list of 101 quotes that inspire me
16. Learn how to use a sewing machine
17. Start exercising regularly
18. Start doing yoga
19. Stop comparing myself to other people
20. Take a vacation to anywhere on a cruise ship
21. Find myself
22. Find a new hobby
23. Try making pasta from scratch
24. Try a new recipe every week
25. Get a tattoo
26. Answer the "50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind"
27. Watch the sunrise and sunset in the same day
28. Go to a concert
29. Go on a road trip
30. Complete a 365 day photo challenge
31. Make a birthday cake for someone
32. Find a personally inspirational quote and work it into a piece of art or home decor
33. Get a passport
34. Attend the midnight premiere of a movie
35. Send a message in a bottle
36. Host a dinner party
37. Make a custom recipe book
38. Watch a meteor shower
39. Go fishing
40. Attend a film festival
41. Ride a horse
42. Attend a live taping of a TV show
43. Spend a night stargazing
44. Get a New Year's kiss at midnight
45. Make a playlist of 26 songs (each starting with a different letter of the alphabet) and listen to them in alphabetical order on a road trip
46. Listen to "I'm On A Boat" while on a boat.
47. Write a message in a public bathroom
48. Read 10 classics I should have read but have never got around to
49. Create a budget and stick to it for 4 weeks
50. Sleep in an overnight train
51. Grow something from a seed
52. Take an archery class
53. Build a gingerbread house
54. Build a snowman
55. Build a piece of furniture
56. Visit a Buddhist monastery
57. Take a picture for each letter of the alphabet
58. Catch a snowflake on my tongue
59. Ride in a limousine
60. Send flowers anonymously to a friend in need
61. Watch a Cirque du Soleil show
62. Watch a movie at a drive-in
63. Watch a roller derby match
64. Watch two movies at a cinema in the same day
65. Ask 20 friends to suggest one book, and read them all
66. learn a new language
67. paint a picture
68. Attend a wine tasting
69. Try 5 new restaurants
70. Update my blog at least once a week
71. Fall in love
72. Spend a rainy day watching films in my PJ's
73. Take a Yoga class
74. Fly a kite
75. Design a t-shirt
76. Take pictures in a photo booth
77. Have dessert for dinner
78. Go camping
79. See a musical
80. Build a sandcastle
81. Build a bonfire and toast marshmellows
82. Watch all the Star Wars movies
83. Go to the movies once a month
84. Grow my hair long
85. Send a handwritten letter
86. Volunteer at an animal shelter
87. Make a list of 50 places I would like to visit in my lifetime
88. Complete the 100 snapshots challenge
89. Say "yes" to something I would not normally do
90. Create an inspiration board
91. Go swimming with dolphins
92. Spend one weekend with only my music, art and books. "Unplug"
93. See one of my favourite bands in concert
94. Go to a movie by myself
95. See a film at IMAX
96. Go a month without buying anything that isn't a necessity
97. Put away $10 for every goal completed
98. Pay off my credit cards
99. Have at least $1,000 in savings
100. Sell something on eBay
101. Buy new makeup and use it from start to finish

As I mark things off I'll talk about it, that'll help with 70. Update my blog at least once a week :}

 

Join in the fun!

A Light Lost.

I just want to note here that this post isn't going to be pretty. It's going to be full of sadness, hardness, trying things. I do this though because it's a new year, it's MY year, and I need to purge the pain, the stuff that's holding me back, festering inside, so I can move on.

Here it goes...

On the 4th December 2012, a very dear friend of mine took his life.

That alone was devastating enough but probably the worst part, was that none of us knew.

 None of us knew he was hurting, struggling, felt so alone and lost and that the only way out was to end it.

This has destroyed me.

This is the first time I've been able to write about it and even now, it hurts, so much.

I had spoken to him the day before, but because I was so wrapped up in my crap, with petty things, I didn't pick up on anything.

I should have. That might seem like unfair pressure on me, and I don't blame myself that he did it, but I, with the talents and skills I have, should have picked up that something wasn't right.

It's changed me. I'm just not as keen to pretend I am happier then what I am anymore. I do not have the energy or care factor to cater to people's bullshit when there are bigger things in life.

Someone who was so fucking amazing, caring, a total global warrior, cared SO much for other people and society and where our world was going, couldn't do it anymore.

My world is a darker place because of the light we've lost and the hurt is a physical ache in my heart.
It's broken.
He was the kind of man that made me feel like I was perfect just the way I am. He made me feel wonderful, there was a lot of love there for each other.
And now he's gone.

This loss put a lot of things in perspective for me.
The bullshit with the guys in my life, some of the scares I've had, the issues I'm feeling towards some of my friends, I just don't care anymore.
Life is so short and it has to be lived.
It has to be lived for those souls who couldn't go on anymore and it has to be lived for us.

I guess another factor that I should admit to myself and stop brushing it off as not important, is the fact that I've been at that point.
Of wanting to die.
Of wanting to just stop and not do this anymore because it was just so fucking hard.
It's been more than once, it's been hard every single time, but I've been lucky to have people get me through it, even when they don't know it.
It's not something I ever made open to people, only a couple now know the details of it all, and it's not necessary to broadcast it, don't need to bring up the details.
It's just knowing what that point feels like, the release it gives you, and man, I get it.
I do.
I just wish he didn't leave, that he would have let someone in, to show him what I was shown.
That he was so loved, so cared for, so needed.
I know that he would have learnt that, when he moved on, and onto the next life he will live.
He will learn those lessons and start again on a path of happiness and enlightenment that he was already on, when he lost his way.

RIP Connor Walsh. I will always hold you dear to my heart.

Annnnd she's back..!

This applies to both myself and one of the most important people in my life - Eva! She went through a period of stepping back from the bloggingsphere, which is totally understandable, but I'm pretty fucking excited she's back!

It also applies to me because I haven't been on here lately... So much has happened and it's been a struggle to find the words, to even think about it. But think I must because this is life, it's important and it needs to be put somewhere, so I can set myself free.

I'm going to do that in a seperate entry though because I want this one to reflect how HAPPY I am that my darling soul sister is back to play with on here, and that she's letting herself do something that makes her so happy in return.

<3

45 LIFE LESSONS, WRITTEN BY A 90 YEAR OLD

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short not to enjoy it.
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.
5. Don’t buy stuff you don’t need.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for things that matter.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye… But don’t worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words, ‘In five years, will this matter?’
27. Always choose Life.
28. Forgive but don’t forget.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give Time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you think you need.
42. The best is yet to come…
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

What it takes to exist inside my bubble...

(I started writing this back in the beginning of November and forgot to finish and publish it... I'm going to finish it now (a month later) and get it out to the universe to work it's magic.


I live in a bubble of happiness and love and acceptance with my soul sisters. I can be who I am and know that it will accepted with total love, honesty and respect. Those things should flow through to every aspect of my life and from anyone who wants to live in my bubble.

The last few weeks have been a reflective time for me when it comes to my own happiness and whether I'm ready for a relationship or not.

Last night, I had to have the "talk" with a good friend of mine who has admitted he has feelings for me. Thankfully he is someone who holds those values towards me as my sisters do, of love, honesty and respect, so it wasn't as awkward as it could have been.

From all this though, I've still been thinking. I wrote about the top 5 traits I need from a partner from a level of characteristics they need to have.

I look though at how my brothers treat their girlfriends, wives, partners etc, and I look at the relationships my soul sisters have with the gorgeous men that have been blessed to exist in their bubbles, and I want that. When I'm ready,  I want that.

I want someone who will make me laugh so much I cry.
I want someone who will listen to my crap and actually listen and not judge.
I want someone who will remember the things I tell them.
I want someone who will be able to read me when I don't tell them.
I want someone who will want to drive me around but be happy to let me when I have the whim to.
I want someone who will treat me like I am the most important person in their life.
I want someone who will put me first.
I want someone who will give me the freedom I need and trust me to make my own decisions.
I want someone who will want to make decisions with me.
I want someone who will stand up for me, protect me, be on my side.
I want someone who will give me a massage when my back aches and I just want to cry.
I want someone who will play with my hair and tickle me even when I wack them for doing it.
I want someone who will know when no means no and when no means maybe.
I want someone who will be content to sit in silence with me or talk shit with me for hours.
I want someone that will fit into my life like my soul sisters have.
I want someone that when I look at them, they give me the good kind of shivers.
I want someone that looks at me like I give them the good kind of shivers.
I want someone who will like similiar sorts of things I do but also have their own interests and be able to accept that we are different, and be happy with that.
I want someone who will accept me, all of me, and love me because of those things.

I want Jesse, from Pitch Perfect. That to me, is my perfect man. Gorgeous, ridiculously funny, wants to look after and be there, actually cares and most importantly, is happy to be himself and content in who he is. Having their favourite movie as The Breakfast Club as well just seals the deal for me. Wow, just wow. If that character existed in real life, exactly like that, and was actually into me, I'd marry them in a heart beat.