Thursday, January 10, 2013

A Light Lost.

I just want to note here that this post isn't going to be pretty. It's going to be full of sadness, hardness, trying things. I do this though because it's a new year, it's MY year, and I need to purge the pain, the stuff that's holding me back, festering inside, so I can move on.

Here it goes...

On the 4th December 2012, a very dear friend of mine took his life.

That alone was devastating enough but probably the worst part, was that none of us knew.

 None of us knew he was hurting, struggling, felt so alone and lost and that the only way out was to end it.

This has destroyed me.

This is the first time I've been able to write about it and even now, it hurts, so much.

I had spoken to him the day before, but because I was so wrapped up in my crap, with petty things, I didn't pick up on anything.

I should have. That might seem like unfair pressure on me, and I don't blame myself that he did it, but I, with the talents and skills I have, should have picked up that something wasn't right.

It's changed me. I'm just not as keen to pretend I am happier then what I am anymore. I do not have the energy or care factor to cater to people's bullshit when there are bigger things in life.

Someone who was so fucking amazing, caring, a total global warrior, cared SO much for other people and society and where our world was going, couldn't do it anymore.

My world is a darker place because of the light we've lost and the hurt is a physical ache in my heart.
It's broken.
He was the kind of man that made me feel like I was perfect just the way I am. He made me feel wonderful, there was a lot of love there for each other.
And now he's gone.

This loss put a lot of things in perspective for me.
The bullshit with the guys in my life, some of the scares I've had, the issues I'm feeling towards some of my friends, I just don't care anymore.
Life is so short and it has to be lived.
It has to be lived for those souls who couldn't go on anymore and it has to be lived for us.

I guess another factor that I should admit to myself and stop brushing it off as not important, is the fact that I've been at that point.
Of wanting to die.
Of wanting to just stop and not do this anymore because it was just so fucking hard.
It's been more than once, it's been hard every single time, but I've been lucky to have people get me through it, even when they don't know it.
It's not something I ever made open to people, only a couple now know the details of it all, and it's not necessary to broadcast it, don't need to bring up the details.
It's just knowing what that point feels like, the release it gives you, and man, I get it.
I do.
I just wish he didn't leave, that he would have let someone in, to show him what I was shown.
That he was so loved, so cared for, so needed.
I know that he would have learnt that, when he moved on, and onto the next life he will live.
He will learn those lessons and start again on a path of happiness and enlightenment that he was already on, when he lost his way.

RIP Connor Walsh. I will always hold you dear to my heart.

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