All Hallow's Eve

Halloween.

It's my favourite time of year. One day I will make it to America and spend this day in Salem, it's on my bucket list.

The amulet I'm wearing on this day is a very precious and powerful one (See below). Whenever I wear this, it morphes me, it focuses me, it flows through me insights I have always had and are in me, but compels me to let them out.

I can feel, via the amulet and on this day, energies and power that are literally in me, my skin tingles, my spirit soars, and life is beautiful.

It has made me think.

Last night April said to me that she has never met anyone who is so happy and content in being single. That the confidence I have is amazing and I show that you don't need someone in your life to make you happy, I've found it within myself and my friends.

This gave me pause.

I was genuinely surprised and shocked.

Why hadn't this occurred to me before? Why is this only coming into awareness now?

All my life, within myself and what my family would say to me, was that I needed to be with someone. I have to be in a relationship, I have to have a family and make babies and do all that shit. I'm Greek, it's expected.
From 17 to 22 I was in a relationship, we were going to get married and be together forever. It ended for various reasons, my own and his, what was done was done and it would never have been a forever thing.
From 22 to 24 I fell off the rails. I was sleeping around, I was in and out of relationships, I never spent much of that time single but I wasn't in the headspace of having a commited relationship that lasted longer than 6 months.
Then I met Dan. We started dating when I was 24, in a official relationship when I was 25, and we broke up before I turned 26.

The last 5 months I've been single.

And it's been a revelation.

I have grown into who I am as a person. I have discovered love in people that have now become my family. I have found me.

Am I happy though?

In a lot of ways, I am. I love my freedom, I love my sisters and I love that *I* get to decide what I want to do and not have to answer to anyone else. It's fucking awesome.

On the flip side, I miss having a companion. I realise though, companion doesn't have to mean a boyfriend. I refuse to do what I did before and have casual "friends" for those needs, it's soul destroying, I cannot do it. So I seek companionship within my family and friends, and I make the right choices for me.

So, to summerise:
I've realised a part of me is missing.
Until I find that part of me,
None of me will be given to anyone.
I am my own being.
Love will come in it's truest form,
When I hold love for myself.


Have a safe and Blessed Halloween and enjoy the magick this day brings.




(I can't flip it around :/ )

A Top 5 list of Top 5's!

I work in Top 5's. I struggle picking just one thing and the list can sometimes change, but the top 5 are here!

What I'm going to do is list them all here and then dedicate posts to them with more detail, this is my life in a list right here!

1. Top 5 Songs

• 'Heaven Coming Down' by The Tea Party
• 'Don't You Forget About Me' by Simple Minds
• 'I've Got to Break Free' by Queen
• 'Learning to Fly' by Pink Floyd
• 'Purple Rain' by Prince/Kiss From a Rose' by Seal

(I'm well aware that counts as 6 songs however the last 2 tend to go hand in hand when it comes to favourites, sometimes I'm just not feeling either one so they alternate!)

2. Top 5 Movies

• Labyrinth
• The Breakfast Club
• Avengers
• Empire Records
• The Princess Bride

3. Top 5 Authors

• Traci Harding
• Raymond E. Feist
• Isobelle Carmody
• Laurell K. Hamilton
• Nora Roberts

4. Top 5 Food (this is going to be a big one because I have the general and then specifics in each category hahaha)

• Carbs!
• Pasta
• Bread
• Baked goods
• Rice
• Cereal
• Fruit
• Lychees
• Peaches
• Mangos
• Cherries
• Figs
• Meat
• Chicken
• Lamb
• Beef
• Pork
• Turky
• Seafood
• Crab
• Lobster
• Prawns
• Pippies
• Scallops
• Dairy
• Cheese
• Milk
• Ice Cream
• Chocolate
• Cream

5. Top 5 Sayings/Quotes

• "To Thine Own Self be True"
• "I’m cookie dough. I’m not done baking. I’m not finished becoming whoever the hell it is I’m gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, & the next thing, & the next thing,& maybe one day, I turn around & realise I’m ready. I’m cookies."
• "My life closed twice before its close;
  It yet remains to see
  If Immortality unveil
  A third event to me,
  So huge, so hopeless to conceive,
  As these that twice befell.
  Parting is all we know of heaven,
  And all we need of hell."
• "The bottom is is that
  (a) People are never perfect, but love can be
  (b) That is the one and only way that the mediocre and vile can be transformed, and
  (c) Doing that makes it that.
  We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love."
• "There are people who would quickly love each other if once they were to speak to each other; for when they spoke they would discover that their souls had only been seperated by phantoms and delusions."

 Well, there you have it! The top 5 things that mean a lot to me in their Top 5 glory!

They'll get individual blogs for more details because to me, this stuff counts. It's important. I don't want to forget any of it.

Perspective...

I'm not sure when I actually became a grown up.
Sometimes I wonder if I was ever really a child.
Life just kept happening and innnocence was never my thing.
Its all about perspective I guess.
I look back at all the things I wanted to be, have, do, and I realised somewhere along the way that, I've done it. The things that matter, the things that count, it's happened.
I am finally a grown up.
An adult.
It scares the shit out of me.
Its all about perspective.
My perspective.

Hello... Is it me you've been looking for?

Lately the discussion with my soul sisters has been around what it is I am looking for in a man, a partner, a relationship.

They asked me what my list of criterias are for, not perfect but, the ideal man for me. They were surprised when I told them I didn't really have a list, I've always had an "idea" of what I want, but never really sat down and *thought* about it.

So, today, that is exactly what I'm going to do. I am going to list down the qualities I want and need, the fundamentals and necessities of what will make me be happiest. That's the most important thing!

Intelligence. This is a deal breaker for me. If they are not intelligent, if I cannot hold a conversation with them and be able to talk about anything and everything, I cannot  bring myself to commit in any way, shape or form.

Respect. There has to be a high level of respect not just for/to me, but for themselves. If you do not respect yourself, you cannot respect others, and I do not want anything to do with someone who is disrespectful.

Physical. I crave this. I love to touch, stroke, cuddle, make some form of physical contact with people I care about. A rub on the back, holding hands, a cuddle, whatever. Physical contact speaks louder than words sometimes and I want someone who is both verbal and physical.

Acceptance. You'd think this would be a common trait in people, but it's really not. Whether people are on a different path of life, faith, circumstances or general wellbeing, there needs to be acceptance. We do not need to agree on everything, we do not need to be the same in everything, but they need to be able to accept who and what I am and love me regardless.

Love. This, above all else, is key. I want love. I want someone to look at me and think that I am the bee's knees, rock their socks, that I am a queen in their eyes. I want someone to love me for me, flaws and perfections all, me.

Some people may write a list of physical attributes, personality traits, a specific religious belief or culture and sure, these things are necessary to an extent.
If they do not hold all of the above though, I will not be with them.
I will not give them my heart, for it is a precious thing and worthy of all this and more.
I know that now.
And I will not give in for anything less.

It's my Birthday and I'll cry if I want to!

Oh boy. What a year. What a birthday! There is so much to say, to let go of, to put in writing and let be free. However, this blog, this blog is to share the best present I've ever been given in my entire life. This is to share something that makes me want to cry and cry, because it's just so fucking amazing.

Eva wrote me something for my birthday.

She put down in writing how she sees me.

Here it is.

Me. <3

There is this woman I know...

She is unlike anyone on this earth.

She has grown from all life has delivered; she has risen to every challenge.

This woman changes everything.

There is this woman I know...

For years I have watched her move in and out of circles.

Some call it nomadic, I call it multifaceted...

When the rest of the world around her searches for a place to belong, she has discovered that her place is everywhere.

Everywhere as long as she remains true to her heart, true to her soul.

There is this woman I know...

She sees the good and bad in all things.

At times, her emotion takes over & life seems overwhelming...

Then her logic embraces her heart, she tells her inner voice 'I got this' and out of the ashes, she rises.

And life is all her making, all her construction.

There is this woman I know...

Afraid and accepting of change all at once.

With all tribulations that have left her feeling as though she is in a world of darkness, she has overcome her fear of change & accepted that it is inevitable.

The fierce determination with in her can sometimes be mistaken for stubbornness.

But really, she is following the blaze in her heart that screams 'I will not let this determine who I am. I decide who I am'...

And who she is... She is a force to be reckoned with.

There is this woman I know...

Her heart is bigger than anyone, even me, can comprehend.

God made her in his image...

God made her perfect for her purpose.

God made her in a way that brings life & love to all she encounters, all she connects with...

God made her in a way that she is a blessing to all who know her.

And she has no idea...

There is this woman I know...

She would lay down her life for her friends, the family of her soul, the circle of her truth.

She has this aura that compels those around her to open up & show her their true colours.

And when this happens, the colour of her life, her being shines on the world and leaves those around her changed, affected, unable to return to a life where a connection to this woman did not exist.

There is this woman I know...

She is filled with honestly, loyalty and love.

She lives deep within the core of acceptance and leads by example.

She is passionate about justice - for her beloved family of her soul...

There was a time where life & love was about her beloveds, a time where the pendulum swung on their direction & never quite bounced back to her.

Now, through light & darkness, change & acceptance, weakness & strength, out of the ashes she has brought the pendulum back to her.

Her passion and justice not only extends to her beloveds... But now, more than ever, and possibly for the first time in her life, her passion and justice starts with her.

It belongs with her.

It lives within her.

It loves within her.

There is this woman I know...

She is strong & vulnerable.

She is convicted yet open to possibilities.

She is open yet protective.

She is gentle yet forceful.

She is a dreamer and a realist.

She is proud, as she should be, yet she is humble.

She loves without condition.

She loves without regret.

She holds her head high & faces the world around her with an attitude of learning, of experience, and a wonder for what this roller coaster of life has in store for her next.

She is all these things, more one day or less the next, but this woman is a perfect balance of all the qualities in life that many long to hold & possess.

There is this woman I know...

Kindness is just the tip of her soul.

Belief runs cursively through her veins.

No matter the adversity, no matter the test, she holds onto her kindness and her belief that there is a reason behind it all.

That's not to say that he isn't tempted to knock someone out...

But she knows now that that's not who she is or wants to be.

She believes she is better...

And lord almighty, she IS better).

There is this woman I know...

Her laugh is infectious.

Her smile is pure divinity.

Her humour leaves those around her breathless, stupefied, in tears if laughter.... She finds the humour in even darkness & turns it to light.

Even when she is inappropriate... She is perfect. She is hilarious. She elicits all of this in all she encounters.

She makes the world filled with happy and& harmony with the light in her existence.

There is this woman I know...

She is unlike anyone on this earth.

She lives, breathes, and exists according to the beat of her heart,

No matter her surroundings, no matter her circumstance.

She happens to life, and the lives of those around her in the greatest of ways:

Uplifting, encouraging, empowering, unyielding, and so extremely engaging.

She is the embodiment of transformation.

She is the pure definition of what it means to be a woman.

She is the heart and soul of the world around her,,,

She is the phoenix rising, the butterfly taking flight, the sunshine before, during and after the rain.

This woman I know is my dearest.

This woman is my companion.

This woman is the sister of my soul.

This woman is you.

Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

Today, a friendship ended.

It ended because I decided my well-being was more important. That for once, *I* need to come first.

It's funny, with everyone else, this has never been an issue.

With my soul sisters and brothers, we celebrate each other, we put each other first but never to the detriment of ourselves, it's how it's meant to be.

With this friend, that was not possible. So I gave, and I gave, and in the end I gave everything I had. It was never enough.

The final straw was on Sunday. I got my 6th tattoo, one that has so much significance to my life that it's not just branded on my skin, it's branded on my heart and soul. Instead of celebrating this with me, for me, this friend decided to cause drama. Petty, ridiculous drama. All because I went with 2 of my best friends and they weren't invited, because we 3 had such a powerful and emotional weekend together we wanted to keep it going, we wanted to love, and laugh, and just. Be. Happy.

The jealousy and resentment for a situation they created entirely for themselves spilled into what should have been a joyous occasion. I had it for all of 5 minutes before her poison intruded. I might sound harsh, but in reality, that's exactly what it is. The negativity, the constant drama, the sheer emotional avalanche this person would put on us, got to boiling point.

They made the mistake of not saying these things to me but to my closest male friend. I know he is fiercely protective of me, as I am of him. He didn't want to tell me what they was saying, he didn't want to tell me anything at all, but I could read it on his face in an instant.
And it was enough.

Yesterday, it continued on. For all intents and purposes, I had no idea, because again nothing was being said TO me, it was being said behind my back. From someone who was supposed to be like family to me, from someone who I had confided in and been confided into in return. I left it though, I let him handle it.

This morning. I get an email. Basically telling me that I'm a shit friend and that they'd be better off without me. Well you know what? I am SO much better off without them. I have a life. I have happiness and laughter and love surrounding me in such a perfect way.
I will not let anything ruin that.
I will not let the hatred and jealousy and self-loathing this person feels affect me anymore.
I will not do it.
I am sad.
I am exceedingly sad because when this friendship was good, it was great. It was fun, it was easy, it was nice.

I have to stick true to my principles though, and one of the biggest ones I have is that when the good outweigh the bad, it will always be worth it, no matter how hard.
In this case, the bad was far outweighing the good.

So now, they're just somebody that I used to know.

Zzzzz

I'm just tired all. the. time. I wake up tired, I go to work tired, I drive tired, I eat tired, I get back into bed and I'm tired. I try to sleep, nothing happens.

I have sleep apnea. It's not fun. I used to stop breathing in my sleep all the time and snored like a hibernating bear, it was ridiculous. Now that I've gotten my tonsils out (and nearly died in the process due to bleeding half to death 2 weeks later when I shouldn't have), I don't snore anymore and I don't really stop breathing. The damage is done though. After most of my life with lack of sleep, lack of oxygen while sleeping, all the crap that goes along with it, I'm fucked. I will still fall asleep in any situation. I have been at heavy metal rock concerts and fallen asleep. I can't go to meetings without having a bottle of water or something with me so I can keep myself entertained, or I'll fall asleep. I've gotten used to it, it's been 20 years, but it's frustrating. One day I want to wake up feeling refreshed and awake. One day I want to know what it feels like to stay awake and alert without any stimulants helping me. One day I want to be able to function like a normal human being (whatever that means) and just sleep.