Random musings from a chaotic mind...

*This is random and all over the place, with no clear flow or concept, I'm just in the mood to write.*

I'll forget what kind of car I drive and what brand of cigarettes I smoke, but without fail I will remember the words to all my favourite songs, even if I haven't heard it in years.

I have the habit of wanting all the things that I cannot have and never wanting the things I can have.

There is apparently only 1 man to every 5 women in this day and age. I'm so totally fucked.

I've never in my life been allergic to any kind of food, yet these days if I eat certain things I get so sick I just want to be shot.

I tend to come across so negative and depressed in my blog posts, yet I'm probably one of the most happy and positive people I know (well, bar the last few years, it's been a tough few years...)

If I could have any wish in the world right now, it would be that I am just completely healthy in all aspects of my body and I never get sick again, that would be wonderful. I'm talking weight, my back, my tummy, my skin, my hair, all of it. (not that I'm feral now, I just want it to all be better, just like most people.)

This year so far, I've read approximately 50 books. I have a big addiction to books. I sometimes wish I finished high school and went onto university to be an editor, that would have been the perfect job for me.

I do not regret any of the choices I made in life, for I would not be who I am today without them. I do wish sometimes that things would just be good, all the time, but I snap out of that pretty quickly, for how can you appreciate the good without having the bad to help you recognise it.

I look forward to the day that I have my own husband and children and home and can have everything the way I want it. I'm a total housewife and I love it.
I get exceedingly angry at women who scorn the ladies that make this sort of choice like me, make us feel like we are lesser or not feminists and how dare we destory everything that was built for us over the years.
The whole point is that women can make their own choices. I CHOOSE to want this and do this. This does not make me lesser, it does not make me weak. I want to love and protect my family, I want to feed them and be there for them and teach them all I know.
This includes blood and soul family.
My house will always be open.
There will always be food on my table for all.
There will always be laughter and music and books and magic in my home and this is what I choose.
The hearth is my right and I am strong in this right.

I have an addictive personality. At the moment my addiction is being fed by Candy Crush Saga, a game you can play on your phone and on Facebook. Someone help stop the madness!

I'm going to Soundwave this Sunday and I was given approval today to have Monday off, so I am going to party ridiculously hard.
I will be seeing Tomahawk, Bullet for My Valentine, Stone Sour, Slayer, A Perfect Circle, Linkin Park and Metallica. Boy oh boy I am giddy with excitement!
I unfortunately will be missing Sum41, Paramore, Garbage, Blink 182 and The Offspring, which totally sucks, but I had to pick which side and I'm a metal girl at heart
(I'm also an 80's freak and pretty much all genre type of music gal mixed together but Rock and Metal hold a special place).

I am restless and bored and wish I never had to work again because there are so many things I'd rather be doing with my time, like reading and doing my nails and cooking and creating and sleeping, oh my precious sleep... Alas, I am stuck in the rat race of life and have a while yet before I can leave it.

I find it amusing when I listen to people complain about how they've been working full time for 5 years for example and are so over it blah blah.
I've been working for 18 years.
From the age of 8 I was working in my parents shop, and I mean working. I didn't get pocket money, I had to work to get money to spend.
From 14 til 16 I was working for my parents, at the local supermarket and at a boutique shop in a massive shopping centre - while still at school full time.
I left school when I was 16 and went to work for my brother at his business full time and for my parents part time, as well as the boutique shop.
I left them all after a year when I was 17 and went to Greece.
I came back from Greece and went to work full time while studying and worked for my parents again.
I left that job when I was 18 and went to Tafe full time to study and continued to work for my parents.
Once I finished Tafe, I went to work again full time and still worked for my parents.
I kept having 2 jobs, one full time and for my parents until I was 22 years old and they sold their business off. It's now only for the last 4 years I've worked just the one job, full time.
(Let me be clear, when I say I worked for my parents after I came back from Greece, we're talking 6-10 5 nights a week, all I did was work.)
All this was happening while I moved out of home at 19 and wasn't driving, so had to train and bus it and get lifts and just basically run around like a headless chook.
I've worked my whole life and yet people whinge to me about working full time?
Oh darlings, you will get no sympathy out of me!

I think I'll leave it there, this is already long and random.
If you made it to the end, congratulations!
You survived the randomness.
Have a cookie! xoxo

Top 5 Songs

Music.

Music is what feelings sound like.

Music sooths my soul.

Music makes me so very happy.

It's hard to narrow down just a Top 5 when it comes to music (with a lot of things really), even now I find songs that I would throw on the list instead, but sometimes you just need to pick something and stick with it!

These songs below, they all have a deeper meaning for me. All of them - from the lyrics, the beat, the vibe and feeling they give me - this is what makes these songs so important to me.
Top 5 Songs

• 'Heaven Coming Down' by The Tea Party

(I cannot remember where or how I found this song, it's been years and years that I've known and loved it. This is the song I would specify as my favourite if I ever went on one of those game shows where you go with a partner and they need to know things about you.)

 

With nothing to do you'd waste away

Obscure in exile

They've witnessed the times

You've gone astray

Whose fault? now you're thinking...

Theres's nothing to prove

A message from the crowd

To the shore...

And it feels now

Just like heaven's coming down

Your soul shakes free

As its conscience hits the ground

So strange are the ways,

They all have changed

Still life it stays the same

A break from the past

Could make it last

Maybe just a little longer

There's nothing to prove

A message from the crowd

To the shore...

You surrender

Love under will

Rest assured you're adored

And it feels now

Just lie heaven's coming down

Your soul shakes free

As its conscience hits the ground

These signs, this fate

Takes a path you didn't choose

Stay Strong, Keep Faith

There is a change that's

Coming through

Hold on my love

Hold on...

• 'Don't You Forget About Me' by Simple Minds

(I first heard this song when I first watched 'The Breakfast Club' and I fell instantly in love with it. I could listen to this song every day for the rest of my life and never get sick of it.)

Hey, hey, hey, hey Ooh, oh

Won't you come see about me?

I'll be alone, dancing, you know it baby

Tell me your troubles and doubts

Giving me everything inside and out

And love's strange so real in the dark

Think of the tender things that we were working on

Slow change may pull us apart

When the light gets into your heart, baby

Don't you forget about me

Don't, don't, don't, don't

Don't you forget about me

Will you stand above me?

Look my way, never love me

Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling

Down, down, down

Will you recognize me?

Call my name or walk on by

Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling

Down, down, down, down

Hey, hey, hey, hey Ooh, oh

Don't you try to pretend

It's my feeling, we'll win in the end

I won't harm you or touch your defenses

Vanity and security

Don't you forget about me

I'll be alone, dancing, you know it baby

Going to take you apart

I'll put us back together at heart, baby

Don't you forget about me

Don't, don't, don't, don't

Don't you forget about me

As you walk on by

Will you call my name?

As you walk on by

Will you call my name?

When you walk away

Or will you walk away?

Will you walk on by?

Come on, call my name

Will you call my name?

I say, la la la

When you walk on by

And you call my name

• 'I've Got to Break Free' by Queen

(Queen are my favourite band. I know every song off by heart and will belt them out with no hesitation. This one is one of my favourites of theirs, I've always felt connected to this song because I've always wanted to break free.)

I want to break free
I want to break free
I want to break free from your lies
You're so self-satisfied I don't need you
I got to break free
God knows, God knows I want to break free

I've fallen in love
I've fallen in love for the first time
And this time I know it's for real
I've fallen in love, yeah
God knows, God knows I've fallen in love

It's strange but it's true (hey yea)
I can't get over the way you love me like you do
But I have to be sure
When I walk out that door
Oh how I want to be free baby
Oh how I want to be free
Oh how I want to break free

But life still goes on
I can't get used to living without, living without, living without you
by my side
I don't want to live alone, hey
God knows got to make it on my own
So baby can't you see
I've got to break free

I've got to break free
I want to break free, yeah

I want, I want, I want, I want to break free …

• 'Learning to Fly' by Pink Floyd

(I've listened to Pink Floyd for a very long time but there's this particular memory that will always stick with me. It was November 2003, pretty much around this time, and I had just left school, just turned 17 and was working full time for my brother. It was Melbourne Cup day so he sent me home early and I had time to kill so I went into this little hole in the wall shop on George St in the city, where they sold books and CD's etc. I picked up the Pink Floyd Album "Pulse" and went home and listened to it for hours. It was my first paycheck from a proper full time job outside of school and it was the first thing I brought. Pink Floyd will always hold a place in my heart.

Plus, I have always wanted to get "Earth-Bound Misfit" tattooed on me.)

Into the distance, a ribbon of black
Stretched to the point of no turning back
A flight of fancy on a windswept field
Standing alone my senses reeled
A fatal attraction is holding me fast,
How can I escape this irresistible grasp?

Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted, just an earth-bound misfit, I

Ice is forming on the tips of my wings
Unheeded warnings, I thought, I thought of everything
No navigator to find my way home
Unladened, empty and turned to stone
A soul in tension -- that's learning to fly
Condition grounded but determined to try

Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I

Above the planet on a wing and a prayer,
My grubby halo, a vapour trail in the empty air,
Across the clouds I see my shadow fly
Out of the corner of my watering eye
A dream unthreatened by the morning light
Could blow this soul right through the roof of the night

There's no sensation to compare with this
Suspended animation, a state of bliss

Can't keep my mind from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I

• 'Purple Rain' by Prince/'Kiss From a Rose' by Seal

(I've always been a big Prince fan and generally love all the songs equally but the lyrics to this one have always struck a cord with me.)

'Purple Rain' by Prince

I never meant to cause you any sorrow.
I never meant to cause you any pain.
I only wanted to one time see you laughing.
I only wanted to see you laughing in the purple rain.

Purple rain, purple rain.
Purple rain, purple rain.
Purple rain, purple rain.

I only wanted to see you bathing in the purple rain.

I never wanted to be your weekend lover.
I only wanted to be some kind of friend.
Baby I could never steal you from another.
It's such a shame our friendship had to end.

Purple rain, purple rain.
Purple rain, purple rain.
Purple rain, purple rain.

I only wanted to see you underneath the purple rain.

Honey I know, I know, I know times are changing.
It's time we all reach out for something new,
That means you too.
You say you want a leader,
But you can't seem to make up your mind.
I think you better close it,
And let me guide you to the purple rain.

Purple rain, purple rain.
Purple rain, purple rain.

If you know what I'm singing about up here.
C'mon raise your hand.

Purple rain, purple rain.

I only want to see you, only want to see you.

(I first heard this song when I watched Batman - I LOVE Batman! - and I've always really really liked it. For a long time I wanted this song to be my wedding's first dance song, it might still be :} )

'Kiss From a Rose' by Seal

There used to be a graying tower alone on the sea.
You became the light on the dark side of me.
Love remained a drug that's the high and not the pill.
But did you know,
That when it snows,
My eyes become large and
The light that you shine can be seen.
Baby,
I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray.
Ooh,
The more I get of you,
The stranger it feels, yeah.
And now that your rose is in bloom.
A light hits the gloom on the gray.
There is so much a man can tell you,
So much he can say.
You remain,
My power, my pleasure, my pain, baby
To me you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny.
Won't you tell me is that healthy, baby?
But did you know,
That when it snows,
My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Baby,
I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray.
Ooh, the more I get of you
The stranger it feels, yeah
Now that your rose is in bloom.
A light hits the gloom on the gray,
I've been kissed by a rose on the gray,
I've been kissed by a rose
I've been kissed by a rose on the gray,
...And if I should fall along the way
I've been kissed by a rose
...been kissed by a rose on the gray.
There is so much a man can tell you,
So much he can say.
You remain
My power, my pleasure, my pain.
To me you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny, yeah
Won't you tell me is that healthy, baby.
But did you know,
That when it snows,
My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Baby,
I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray.
Ooh, the more I get of you
The stranger it feels, yeah
Now that your rose is in bloom,
A light hits the gloom on the gray.
Yes I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray
Ooh, the more I get of you
The stranger it feels, yeah
And now that your rose is in bloom
A light hits the gloom on the gray
Now that your rose is in bloom,
A light hits the gloom on the gray.

We are Family! (Part 2)

So.

Family.

We gotta love them right? They're our blood. Doesn't mean we have to actually like them though!

Haha, I kid I kid. Sort of.

My dad and I get on. We're very similiar in that we just want life to be simple and drama free and just have fun. He's also a typical old school wog dad. So in that aspect, we drive each other crazy. He's at least now, finally, starting to let me do what I like. Mostly because I don't listen to him anyway! He's still my daddy though and I love him dearly.

Then, there is my mother. It's been determined that we are capable of spending 2 hours together without any fighting. After that 2 hour mark, all hell breaks lose. I am my mothers daughter, there is no denying that, however the aspects that I hate about her, I strive very hard to not do in my own life, within myself. She feels that I'm just being a bitch. Well, she'd know! I do love my mother, she has done a lot for me in her own way and I'll always be her baby so she can't help but be how she is, I get it. I just refuse to do half the things she did to me to my own children, for their own sanity.

My sister is 8 years older then me. She pretty much raised me as mum and dad were always working. She taught me how to read and write and most of the things I'm interested in are because she introduced me to them. I worshiped my sister my whole life, to me she was the coolest person I knew and I would talk about her to everyone. As I've grown up though, it seems to have shifted. I now seem to be the cooler one, the one she always talks about etc. It's a little sad, I feel like I've lost the one person I could always turn to for help and support (from a family perspective - she now turns to me). It's okay though, that's what family is for right?

Then there is my brother, who is 11 years older. What can I say about him... We have an intersting relationship. We are also very similiar (he and I take after mum while my sister takes after dad) and because of this, we clash, a lot. I alternate between thinking he's this awesome dude to wanting to punch his face in and never speak to him again. It's hard. We've had a lot of drama, he's done a lot of things to me and my parents. No matter how I feel towards them, if anyone ever disrespects them or treats them badly, I see red. He's done both. So, we're strained. It may pass one day, until then, we do what we have to do.

Overall, I love my family very much. I do, I can't not. I just sometimes wish things were different. But they're not, so you work with what you've got!