Random musings from a chaotic mind...

*This is random and all over the place, with no clear flow or concept, I'm just in the mood to write.*

I'll forget what kind of car I drive and what brand of cigarettes I smoke, but without fail I will remember the words to all my favourite songs, even if I haven't heard it in years.

I have the habit of wanting all the things that I cannot have and never wanting the things I can have.

There is apparently only 1 man to every 5 women in this day and age. I'm so totally fucked.

I've never in my life been allergic to any kind of food, yet these days if I eat certain things I get so sick I just want to be shot.

I tend to come across so negative and depressed in my blog posts, yet I'm probably one of the most happy and positive people I know (well, bar the last few years, it's been a tough few years...)

If I could have any wish in the world right now, it would be that I am just completely healthy in all aspects of my body and I never get sick again, that would be wonderful. I'm talking weight, my back, my tummy, my skin, my hair, all of it. (not that I'm feral now, I just want it to all be better, just like most people.)

This year so far, I've read approximately 50 books. I have a big addiction to books. I sometimes wish I finished high school and went onto university to be an editor, that would have been the perfect job for me.

I do not regret any of the choices I made in life, for I would not be who I am today without them. I do wish sometimes that things would just be good, all the time, but I snap out of that pretty quickly, for how can you appreciate the good without having the bad to help you recognise it.

I look forward to the day that I have my own husband and children and home and can have everything the way I want it. I'm a total housewife and I love it.
I get exceedingly angry at women who scorn the ladies that make this sort of choice like me, make us feel like we are lesser or not feminists and how dare we destory everything that was built for us over the years.
The whole point is that women can make their own choices. I CHOOSE to want this and do this. This does not make me lesser, it does not make me weak. I want to love and protect my family, I want to feed them and be there for them and teach them all I know.
This includes blood and soul family.
My house will always be open.
There will always be food on my table for all.
There will always be laughter and music and books and magic in my home and this is what I choose.
The hearth is my right and I am strong in this right.

I have an addictive personality. At the moment my addiction is being fed by Candy Crush Saga, a game you can play on your phone and on Facebook. Someone help stop the madness!

I'm going to Soundwave this Sunday and I was given approval today to have Monday off, so I am going to party ridiculously hard.
I will be seeing Tomahawk, Bullet for My Valentine, Stone Sour, Slayer, A Perfect Circle, Linkin Park and Metallica. Boy oh boy I am giddy with excitement!
I unfortunately will be missing Sum41, Paramore, Garbage, Blink 182 and The Offspring, which totally sucks, but I had to pick which side and I'm a metal girl at heart
(I'm also an 80's freak and pretty much all genre type of music gal mixed together but Rock and Metal hold a special place).

I am restless and bored and wish I never had to work again because there are so many things I'd rather be doing with my time, like reading and doing my nails and cooking and creating and sleeping, oh my precious sleep... Alas, I am stuck in the rat race of life and have a while yet before I can leave it.

I find it amusing when I listen to people complain about how they've been working full time for 5 years for example and are so over it blah blah.
I've been working for 18 years.
From the age of 8 I was working in my parents shop, and I mean working. I didn't get pocket money, I had to work to get money to spend.
From 14 til 16 I was working for my parents, at the local supermarket and at a boutique shop in a massive shopping centre - while still at school full time.
I left school when I was 16 and went to work for my brother at his business full time and for my parents part time, as well as the boutique shop.
I left them all after a year when I was 17 and went to Greece.
I came back from Greece and went to work full time while studying and worked for my parents again.
I left that job when I was 18 and went to Tafe full time to study and continued to work for my parents.
Once I finished Tafe, I went to work again full time and still worked for my parents.
I kept having 2 jobs, one full time and for my parents until I was 22 years old and they sold their business off. It's now only for the last 4 years I've worked just the one job, full time.
(Let me be clear, when I say I worked for my parents after I came back from Greece, we're talking 6-10 5 nights a week, all I did was work.)
All this was happening while I moved out of home at 19 and wasn't driving, so had to train and bus it and get lifts and just basically run around like a headless chook.
I've worked my whole life and yet people whinge to me about working full time?
Oh darlings, you will get no sympathy out of me!

I think I'll leave it there, this is already long and random.
If you made it to the end, congratulations!
You survived the randomness.
Have a cookie! xoxo

Don't you, forget about me

Lately I've been forgetting a lot of things. It's been really worrying and stressing me out.

I just had this conversation with the lovely Eva and man she made me laugh, and most importantly, made me feel a lot better. I'm putting it here so I don't forget, I don't want to forget anymore.

So I guess I'm not losing my mind per say, more than I already have, it's nice having it confirmed by someone else though.

Below is our conversation and HERE is the best post (in my own "un-biased" opinion of course) she's written.

Eva

are you still thinking about your next tattoo
??
the dragon??

Connie

I'm always thinking of my next tattoos :)

but havent decided which is next

 Eva

which one hurt the most, and which one is your favourite?

Connie

haha

you always ask interesting things

My ankh hurt the most, oh boy

that was ridiculous

and my favourite is my phoenix

 Eva

which one on your ankle? 

Connie

haha no no

My Ankh

On my back :)

with the wings

It's an egyptian cross

 Eva

oooooooooh

i know that one

i thought for a second there was a tattoo that you had that i forgot about :|

Connie

I forgot what brand of cigarettes I smoked the other night

It's getting a little bit ridiculous.

Eva

oh dear :S

has that ever happened before?

 Connie

Dude, I forget everything.

It's just happening more and more now.

Eva

no meaning, something that you use everyday, forgetting the name of it.

Connie

My car (side note - the other day I completely forgot what kind of car I drive and had to ask Eva what it was...)

Eva

ah yeah

that one

Connie

I forget every morning whether or not I put deoderant on

Eva

oh thats normal

, Connie

I get out of the shower having forgotten I turned my light on

, Eva

i forget that ALLL the time!

:)

Connie

and I'm like "why the fk is my light on"

Eva

haha

but its what you do in the morning when you're not really awake

Connie

I'd think I was haunted but it's just me forgetting

Eva

thats acceptable

, Connie

haha fair enough

Sarah said the other day I seem to keep getting old people problems, like my back and my tummy

Eva

because i am a good friend, i am looking up 10 early signs of alzheimers.

Connie

why not the memory thing too!

Eva

you're safe, there is nothing wrong with you

Connie

hahahahahha

are you sure?

Eva

i am.

Connie

What are the 10 signs?

Eva

i will send you the list.

http://www.alz.org/national/documents/checklist_10signs.pdf

Connie

What about Dementia?

Eva

i'll look up that one now for you

Connie

I am demented after all :P

Eva

that you are... but clinically demented is another story.

http://www.yourlifechoices.com.au/news/ten-early-signs-of-dementia?page=single

nope, you're safe, dont think you have dementia either.

Connie

Huh. Misplacing things, mood swings, changes in personality, apathy, not knowing the day of the week, memory loss

nice

I dont have it now but I'll bet good money I will when I'm older

Eva

yeah but the way its written is severe.

Connie

I won't be though because I'll probably foget :P

bet*

Eva

hahaha

here are 10 signs that you dont have it, according to this list.

http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Dementia_diagnosis_and_early_signs

1. you remember everything that you forget, eventually. people with dementia do not.

2. you are able to complete a task, or at least come back to if after being distracted. at least you dont go building a house or cooking a meal and leave it and forget that you started it. there would be homeless and hungry people living with you otherwise ;)

Connie

Strokes, depression, alcoholism, infections, hormone disorders, nutritional deficiencies and brain tumours can all cause dementia-like symptoms. 

well I'm not having a stroke and I really hope I don't have a tumour but the rest makes sense

 Eva

3. you have zero problems with language. you are very easy to understand.

4. i've not seen you disoriented, other than struggling to remember something from a period of your life where everything was fuzzy thanks to the things you were consuming.

5. you have no problem with judgement, of places, of people, of time and distance. you are very well prepared and not phased by being in a new situation with new places, people, time or distance.

6. you can think very well abstractly. its the whole numbers thing. and the universe is abstract and you freakin love the universe!

7. everyone misplaces things. its normal. my mother looks for the glasses that are on her head. i look for my phone which is in my hand. as long as you're not putting your shampoo and conditioner in the washing machine, or looking for the grass fertiliser in the pantry, i think you'll be right.

8. everyone is sad or moody or something or other. but you dont plot to kill someone after singing sunshine and lollipops. its just not you. 

Connie

^ I plot that all the time just quietly.

Eva

9. moods change, personality doesnt. you can change aspects of the way that you think but i dont think any one can change their in herent personality... like, you're funny. i dont think you could be unfunny to save your life. and you're compassionate about people... i dont think you would ever deep down not give a rats about anything important to you.

deep down, kinda thought that, but for the purpose of this exercise I will erase that comment from the record ;)

10. its normal to not like obligatory things.
but when you dont want to listen to music, or read books, or write in your moleskin book, or mess on buzzfeed, or watch your favourite movies, or when your favourite movies and music are things you cannot stand anymore, that is the time to be worried. I dont believe you will ever be in danger of this, no matter how many times you forget that you turned on the light, or how many times you quietly plot after singing about sunshine.

so there you are. 10 reasons why you are not at risk of losing your mind :D

Connie

You have made me laugh through this whole thing, that's fantastic.

 Eva

i am so glad :)

Connie

What a perfect 10 reasons I'm not losing my mind, more than I already have of course!

Eva

hahaha

i think i should turn this into a blog post.

Connie

This whole conversation is going on mine lol

, Eva

ode to connie, who is not losing her mind (but plotting your death as i write this)

Empathy.

em·pa·thy

/ˈɛmpəθi/ Show Spelled [em-puh-thee] Show IPA

noun

1.

the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

 

(In simple terms, the ability to identify, understand and share the feelings of others.)

 

I was told once, a long time ago, that I have a gift, a power, an ability, a skill.

Omniscient Empathy.

The ability to have complete understanding and a flawless emotional connection with every person I meet in a matter of seconds due to my skills and experience.

 

I'm otherwise known as an Empath.

 

Now, whether you believe this stuff or not is really beside the point. Some people believe, some people don't.

 

Empathy is real. People being more in tune with Empathy is also real. Whether you believe that can then extend further into people being able to feel other's emotions, control them, heal them, well, that's your lesson to learn.

 

There are many websites out there that have different lists of what it means, how people are affected, etc etc. I've found this particular list quite interesting and pretty accurate for me - there are some on here that aren't but everybody is different and no one will follow lists completely.

 

This is one such list:

 

At A Glance: 30 Traits of an Empath

 1.     Knowing: Empaths just know stuff, without being told. It’s a knowing that goes way beyond intuition or gut feelings, even though that is how many would describe the knowing. The more attuned they are the stronger this gift becomes.
(People always ask me how did I know something, my standard response is that "I just do".)

2.     Being in public places can be overwhelming: Places like shopping malls, supermarkets or stadiums, where there are lots of people around, can fill the Empath with turbulently vexed emotions that are coming from others.
(I will be okay to a point, and then it'll be this overwhelming need to just get out. I get better as I get older but I used to struggle so much as a child, I hated going into shops, I'd tell my parents and sister I was allergic to clothes and people and wouldn't go in.)

 3.     Feeling others emotions and taking them on as your own: This is a huge one for Empaths. To some, they will feel emotions off those near by and with others they will feel emotions from those a vast distance away, or both. The more adept Empath will know if someone is having bad thoughts about them, even from a great distance.
(Even now, after years, I still find myself on occassion trying to seperate my feelings from someone else. I do really well when I'm not exhausted, but the more I am, the harder it is to do.)

 4.     Watching violence, cruelty or tragedy on the TV is unbearable: The more attuned an Empath becomes the worse it is and may make it so they eventually have to stop watching TV and reading newspapers altogether.
(This doesn't bother me as much as it used to, but some things really hit hard.)

 5.     You know when someone is not being honest: If a friend or a loved one is telling you lies you know it (although many Empaths try not to focus on this because knowing a loved one is lying can be painful). Or if someone is saying one thing but feeling/thinking another, you know.
(I always know if someone is bullshitting me, as my brother always said "You can't bullshit a bullshit artist", I try to avoid lying as much as possible and I can be quite gullible at times, I always want to believe people are telling me the truth, but it eventually comes out if they're not.)

 6.     Picking up physical symptoms off another: An Empath will almost always develop the ailments off another (colds, eye infections, body aches and pains), especially those who they’re closest to, somewhat like sympathy pains.
(I will always, without fail, pick up on my sisters headaches and migraines. It's a long-running "joke" in my family, I get a headache that isn't quite "right", like I'm having one but not, and it'll be my sister with it.)

 7.     Digestive disorders and lower back problems: The solar plexus chakra is based in the centre of the abdomen and it’s known as the seat of emotions. This is where Empaths feel the incoming emotion of another, which can weaken the area and eventually lead to anything from stomach ulcers to IBS (too many other conditions to list here). Lower back problems can develop from being ungrounded (amongst other things) and one, who has no knowledge of them being an Empath, will almost always be ungrounded.
(hahahahahaha story of my fucking life!)

 8.     Always looking out for the underdog: Anyone whose suffering, in emotional pain or being bullied draws an Empath’s attention and compassion.
(Always.)

 9.     Others will want to offload their problems on you, even strangers: An Empath can become a dumping ground for everyone else’s issues and problems, which, if they’re not careful can end up as their own.
(I've lost count the number of times random strangers have told me their whole life story, and I always have to fight that balance of taking problems on for my loved ones.)

 10.    Constant fatigue: Empaths often get drained of energy, either from energy vampires or just taking on too much from others, which even sleep will not cure. Many get diagnosed with ME.
(Always.)

 11.    Addictive personality: Alcohol, drugs, sex, are to name but a few addictions Empaths turn to, to block out the emotions of others. It can be a form of self protection in order to hide from someone or something (external emotions).
(Yep. I get hooked on most things.)

12.    Drawn to healing, holistic therapies and all things metaphysical: Although many Empaths would love to heal others, they can end up turning away from healing (even though they have a natural ability for it), after they’ve studied and qualified, because they take on too much from the one they are trying to heal. Especially if they are unaware of their empathy. Anything of a supernatural nature is of interest to Empaths and they don’t surprise or get shocked easily. Even at the revelation of what many others would consider unthinkable, for example, Empaths would have known the world was round when others believed it was flat.
(Spot on.)

 13.   Creative: From singing, dancing, acting, drawing or writing an Empath will have a strong creative streak and a vivid imagination.
(Yes, although I wish I could draw.)

 14.    Love of nature and animals: Being outdoors in nature is a must for Empaths and pets are an essential part of their life.
(3 dogs, a cat and a bird later, I still want more.)

 15.    Need for solitude: An Empath will go stir-crazy if they don’t get quiet time. This is even obvious in empathic children.
(It's not a want, it's a need.)

 16.    Gets bored or distracted easily if not stimulated: Work, school and home life has to be kept interesting for an Empath or they switch off from it and end up daydreaming or doodling.
(You'll often hear me say I'm bored, even when life is not boring!)

 17.   Finds it impossible to do things they don’t enjoy: As above. Feels like they are living a lie by doing so. To force an Empath to do something they dislike through guilt or labelling them as idle will only serve in making them unhappy. It’s for this reason many  Empaths get labelled as being lazy.
(Spot on. I'm really not that lazy, but my mother certainly thinks so.)

 18.   Strives for the truth: This becomes more prevalent when an Empath discovers his/her gifts and birthright. Anything untruthful feels plain wrong.
(Amen.)

 19.   Always looking for the answers and knowledge: To have unanswered questions can be frustrating for an Empath and they will endeavour to find an explanation. If they have a knowing about something they will look for confirmation. The downside to this is an information overload.
(It can be an overload but I LOVE it.)

 20.  Likes adventure, freedom and travel: Empaths are free spirits.
(I'm a true hippy at heart.)

 21.  Abhors clutter: It makes an Empath feel weighed down and blocks the flow of energy.
(It's true, but at the same time I'm a pack rat. I get to breaking point and de-clutter but it always builds back up.)

 22.  Loves to daydream: An Empath can stare into space for hours, in a world of their own and blissfully happy.
(Favourite past-time.)

 23.  Finds routine, rules or control, imprisoning: Anything that takes away their freedom is debilitating to an Empath even poisoning.
(Sometimes, but as I get older I make myself deal with it, structure and order is good when you're taking control.)

 24.  Prone to carry weight without necessarily overeating: The excess weight is a form of protection to stop the negative incoming energies having as much impact.
(Yep...)

 25.  Excellent listener: An Empath won’t talk about themselves much unless it’s to someone they really trust. They love to learn and know about others and genuinely care.
(That's why I always deflect questions off of me and get people to talk about themselves. With the people in my heart though, I tell them whatever they want to know.)

 26.  Intolerance to narcissism: Although kind and often very tolerant of others, Empaths do not like to be around overly egotistical people, who put themselves first and refuse to consider another’s feelings or points of view other than their own.
(Ooooh they shit me!)

 27.   The ability to feel the days of the week: An Empath will get the ‘Friday Feeling’ if they work Fridays or not. They pick up on how the collective are feeling. The first couple of days of a long, bank holiday weekend (Easter for example) can feel, to them, like the world is smiling, calm and relaxed. Sunday evenings, Mondays and Tuesdays, of a working week, have a very heavy feeling.
(I thought everyone had this?)

 28.   Will not choose to buy antiques, vintage or second-hand: Anything that’s been pre-owned carries the energy of the previous owner. An Empath will even prefer to have a brand new car or house (if they are in the financial situation to do so) with no residual energy.
(This isn't a problem for me for the most part, if someone has bad jo-jo on it I avoid it but otherwise it's fine.)

 29.   Sense the energy of food: Many Empaths don’t like to eat meat or poultry because they can feel the vibrations of the animal (especially if the animal suffered), even if they like the taste.
(It doesn't stop me, I LOVE meat.)

 30.   Can appear moody, shy, aloof, disconnected: Depending on how an Empath is feeling will depend on what face they show to the world. They can be prone to mood swings and if they’ve taken on too much negative will appear quiet and unsociable, even miserable. An empath detests having to pretend to be happy when they’re sad, this only adds to their load (makes working in the service industry, when it’s service with a smile, very challenging) and can make them feel like scuttling under a stone.
(Very much so but again, after years of practice, it's second nature now. It's a big problem sometimes, I am an extremely moody person on occassion, but it's all about the practice.)

If you can say yes to at least 10 of these traits (especially 1 to 10), you could very well be an Empath.

Empaths may carry many of the same traits but they/we are still individuals.  We can override or block certain traits and some traits will come and go over the years (strengthen or weaken) as life circumstances change. Once one has become aware of one’s birthright of being an Empath (this will normally happen when any, or all, of the above traits start screaming at you for attention), it is then we can find remedies to ease symptoms and perhaps discover what our true role in life is.



So the reason why I'm discussing this today is because, lately, it's been hard.
I'm so very tired, I'm on a new medication that's fucking with my hormones - which then fucks with your emotions, and my logical side is being worked overtime to try and control the emotions, that aren't my own.

I just want to be left alone, but at the same time I don't want to be. I want to keep the people in my life that give me relief and sactuary from the shit but I get moody and emotional with them and they don't deserve that.

It's all over the place.

It'll re-balance out, I'm very good at controlling this for the most part, but at times, when I struggle, I wish I could explain why. Until *I* can figure it out though, I don't know where to start.

So until then, I keep embracing the logic to control the emotional and keep striving for my balance.

The Ex.

Last night, as I was driving home, this song came on the radio:

"Somebody That I Used To Know"

(feat. Kimbra)

[Gotye:]
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

[Kimbra:]
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

[Gotye:]
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

[x2]
Somebody
(I used to know)
Somebody
(Now you're just somebody that I used to know)

(I used to know)
(That I used to know)
(I used to know)
Somebody

Every single time I hear this song, I am reminded of my ex boyfriend (generally the purpose of the song!)

It sums it up pretty perfectly.

I haven't been able to bring myself to write much about him, if at all. The few entries in my physical journal span back to the first few months when we first broke up, and just how much I missed him. These days, it's different.

There were certainly some amazing times together. I experienced new things with him, we had adventures, my life changed quite dramatically while we were a couple. I can't deny the happy times or make them less than what they were. He did make me very happy for some parts.

For the most part though, he hurt me. He hurt my heart, my mind, my spirit, who I am as a person.

I still don't know why I stayed for as long as I did. I guess it was because I was deeply in love, I thought he was it for me. I felt so strongly that I fought and fought, no matter what he did, to make it work. In any other relationship I've had that even got a quarter to that point, I'd walk away. If it got that hard, I fucked them off with a smile and a wave. This was my lesson to learn. And learn I did.

The mental abuse, emotional abuse, the way he'd make me feel like I was stupid, insecure, that I was paranoid and irrational, that everything was my fault and I was just ridiculous. Comparing me to ex girlfriends, that I never measured up, that I wasn't good enough to please him, that I was just lacking.

I look back and I shake my head at it all.

I am an exceptionally strong woman. Physically, mentally, emotionally. He has been the only one that was able to test all 3 levels.

It was a lesson. An invaluable lesson.

Now I know the truth, I remember it, I have taken it back onto myself.

The son of a bitch was lucky to have had me.

I will never regret what we had, but I certainly will never go back to that again.

It sums it up perfectly:

"Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know"

Well, he couldn't, so I did.

He has been let go, to never return.

Thank fuck for that!

Peace? Peace. I hate the word, as I hate hell, all Montagues, and thee.

Peace.

I love peace. I strive for peace.

I strive for people to surround me with the same ideals.
It's one thing to say it.
You need to show it.

Numerous conversations have been had just this morning.
It's one of those days.
Contemplative.

The general gist of conversation has been peace, balance, friendships, and the choices we make.
How things can change so drastically in spans of months, weeks, days.
How friendships come and go, and what that means.
How the people we choose to spend our lives with balance us, enlighten and enrich us, and what we are willing to do and not do.

I have, on occassion, been accused of being a "friend hopper" (yes my friends, we may leave high school but high school never leaves us!).

Now, the whole concept of being a friend hopper really pisses me off.
I, and so many others, understand and appreciate the reality that people cannot and do not live in each others pockets 24/7. Friends are allowed to have other friends, friends are allowed to go periods of time without having to talk, see each other, be part of their lives.

Now, don't get me wrong. Each and every one of my friends is part of my life regardless.

But please, balance people.

My "bff" and I have been friends for 20 years. We can go weeks without talking and know that, no matter what, we are just a call, a text, a visit away. There are no complications, EVER, there is no jealousy, resentment, no need for justification or exuses. It is what it is.

I find that with the people I make the choice to keep in my life, are fitting into the same pattern. This makes me exceedingly happy.
People need to understand this concept. They really do. This, is peace.
This is what it's all about.

A few people that are unable to understand this have slowly been let go of. People that are so needy and dependant on having attention and affection of anyone and everyone in their lives.

I am quite content to be left alone, even crave it at times.
People who are content in their own company is something that people in this world cannot even contemplate, let alone do.

It astounds me though, their behavour. The world won't end if someone isn't paying attention to you.
They think it will, but if anything, it's when you aren't looking for it and demanding it, you get it the most.
These people have to receive attention, good, bad or ugly, because if they have people talking about them, to them, they won't disappear.

But, we are not imaginary.

We are all very much here.

"You're no one until someone talks about you" is the mentality they seem to have.

That mentality is not peace, it is not enlightenment.
Happiness and peace gets thrown in the "too hard" basket.
What they don't seem to realise is that, when you embrace it, it makes everything that much better.

You can choose your mentality.

And whether it's easier or not, you embrace it and you go with it.
It comes as it comes.

You are never given more than you can handle.

Ever.

The people who shun that, think that it's all too hard, will keep having it thrown at them until they realise they can, and then it's done.

It's as simple and as difficult as that.

Peace.

They know what is what but they don't know what is what...

I feel like this in most aspects of my life.
That I know, but I don't know.
That my heart knows, but my head doesn't.
That my head knows, but my heart doesn't.
It's a rare thing when it all aligns.
It's different.
It's peaceful.
I strive for that perfect balance in all things.
Until I get it, I just strut.
What the fuck.

Tuesdays with Morrie

It's funny.
I always end up thinking about this on a Tuesday.
As a reminder to myself of what's really important in life.
Some things, when you read them, change you. Morph you. Open you up to another way of thinking, feeling, knowing.
This book did exactly that for me.

'Tuesdays with Morrie' is a non-fiction book written by Mitch Albom that recounts the time he spent with his 78 year old sociology professor who was dying. The book goes on to talk about the conversations they had and let me tell you, if I could have these conversations everyday for the rest of my life, it would be blissful.

I found a few of the quotes and wanted to list them below, to share, to remember.

If you get a chance, please read this book. It's just beautiful.

• "Do the kinds of things that come from the heart. When you do, you won’t be dissatisfied, you won’t be envious, you won’t be longing for somebody else’s things. On the contrary, you’ll be overwhelmed with what comes back."
• "You know what that reflects? Unsatisfied lives. Unfulfilled lives. Lives that haven't found meaning. Because if you’ve find meaning in your life, you don’t want to go back. You want to go forward."
• "When you learn how to die, you learn how to live."
• "Death ends a life, not a relationship."
• "The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in."
• "Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too - even when you’re in the dark. Even when you’re falling."
• "Death: the only true emotion felt in an apathetic world"
• "Love wins. Love always wins."
• "As you grow, you learn more. If you stayed as ignorant as you were at twenty-two, you'd always be twenty-two. Aging is not just decay, you know. It's growth. It's more than the negative that you're going to die, it's the positive that you understand you're going to die, and that you live a better life because of it."
• "Love each other or perish."
• "Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone."
• "Don't hang on too long, but don't let go too soon."
• "Without love, we are birds with broken wings."
• "Is today the day? Am I ready? Am I doing all I need to do? Am I being the person I want to be?"
• "If the culture doesn't work, don't buy it."
• "If we can remember the feeling of love we once had, we can die without ever going away."
• "What is it about silence that makes people uneasy?"
• "So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."
• "When you're in bed, you're dead."

Sticks and Stones...

"Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

We all know this saying, we've all used this at some point in our lives, for either ourselves or to remind the people around us.

What about when they do hurt though?
Words.
Words that people say to us, about us.
Hurtful words, bitchy words, just plain nasty words.

It can be numerous different things. They could say things about your physical attributes, your character, the choices you've made in life, etc.

I learnt a valuable lesson early in life that people who bitch and judge and critisise EVERYONE around them, they'll do the same thing to you too, even if they call you their best friend, soul sister.

I somehow seemed to forget that lesson in the last 6-12 months.

Thankfully, in some shitty way, I was reminded of it. That some people are just fucking douchebags and it's a sign of their character, not my own.

I'm a genuinely nice person. I care, a lot, I will always try to look at the good, play devil's advocate, find some way to make things okay for people, comfortable, welcomed. I generally will not say mean things about someone when it comes to their physical attributes, choices in life, etc.

I am human though (to an extent) and I have moments where I will rip into a person, but for that to happen my buttons will have to have been pushed.

My buttons are totally pushed right now.

At the end of the day though, something I know to be true and remind people of all the time:

"How others think of you is none of your business."

Just be careful of who you play with. I am a nice person, but I have no hesitation ripping shreds off when provoked.